There’s a lot about us Americans you Brits probably have a hard time grasping.

Whether it’s our love of guns, obsession with cars, or propensity to fuck our cousins, I’m sure it seems like there’s something a little off about us Yanks. There really isn’t any mystery to it though. If there’s a practice or tradition of ours that seems a bit odd to you there’s a simple explanation for it, it’s because it’s different than what you limey bastards do.

Maybe it still hasn’t sunk in yet or maybe you assholes have forgotten already but we don’t really like you guys too much. I know we’ve been through some shit and a few wars together, and I guess our governments are kinda buds now but the American people still have an underlying resentment for you people. It’s not your fault and there’s really nothing we can do about it. We just have a hard time doing things the same way as you guys do. But if there were one area where it would really help for us to take a few pages from your book, it would be with sports.

“Not having violent maniacs running around sporting events, smashing in people’s skulls for wearing the wrong jersey, does make it easier to have a lovely family experience. However…”

I’m not suggesting Americans should start getting into professional soccer or ‘football’, even though a bunch have begun to for some strange reason. We already have plenty enough major sports in this country for people to divide their attention and passion between. What I am saying is Americans could stand to put a little more effort into being fans and showing they actually give a shit about their respective teams. We could all do this by copying you folks and starting gangs or just becoming violent hooligans in support of our favorite sports teams. I’m sure you people look at hooliganism as a problem in your country or something that’s not all that great. What you have to realise is it’s the best way to follow sports.

Photo by The Telegraph

Not having violent maniacs running around sporting events, smashing in people’s skulls for wearing the wrong jersey, does make it easier to have a lovely family experience. However, professional sports aren’t about family fun, they’re about winning and there’s no better way to help your team win than intimidating the living shit out of the opposition. Here in America, ‘fans’ try to do this by coming up with witty insults that they write on big stupid signs and chant at the opposing team. Doing that type of thing may work at a children’s sporting event but it doesn’t really do anything with professional athletes. Little kids are fucking pussies who can’t handle being bullied in school. Showing up to a kids’ game holding signs with intricate mom jokes and threatening their lives will probably throw them off their game a tad. Professional athletes, on the other hand, are fine-tuned instruments. They’re not only used to that type of shit, it barely even registers with them. In order to make them notice and become distracted, you have to put their lives at risk or at least show you’re willing to. Beating the living shit out of their fans and throwing road flares at their team bus is a great way to do that.

“One major stipulation to all of this is that I am an American. So, I don’t really know what the fuck I’m talking about.”

It’s not enough to cripple the opponent with fear though. A true fan should want to push their own team to compete at a higher level than the other. Just as it is with intimidating the opposition, merely shouting shit at your ‘club’ or wearing a jersey with your favorite player’s name on it will hardly be noticed. These are professional athletes for fuck sake. Not only are they used to having people cheer for them, they make millions of dollars and have hot chicks waiting in their hotel lobbies, who want nothing more than to suck their dicks and have their babies. A professional athlete isn’t going to put in more effort just because other grown men wear his name on the back of their shirts and cheer him on. They need to be shown their fans care and there’s no better way to show you care than with violence. That’s why abusive parents beat their children. It may be hard to think someone who makes millions playing a children’s game would need extra incentive to try harder but when an athlete opens the paper and sees a fan is spending the rest of their life in prison for killing a person over that children’s game, it’s almost impossible for them to not put in that extra ten percent.

It’s not just the impact a fan can have on a game by being a violent asshole, it’s the reward and satisfaction that comes with it. Sports are just entertainment and the athletes who play them are essentially just entertainers but it feels like something’s missing when you only sit back and watch. It may still feel pretty good when your team wins but when they lose, you’re left making excuses and wondering what could have been done to change the outcome. When you put a rival fan in a fucking coma or the opposing team’s life in danger, you know you’ve done your part. That makes it easier to swallow defeat and the taste of victory all the sweeter.

One major stipulation to all of this is that I am an American. So, I don’t really know what the fuck I’m talking about when it comes to you people. Maybe soccer hooligans aren’t that big in your country and it’s just something we’ve blown out of proportion. If so, that’s a shame. Because it sure seems like a great way to be a sports fan.

John Pittsley

@MithterPitthley

This article has been extracted from our 3rd issue as a free peek. Get your copy now to read many more exclusive articles.

Order your real life copy here [low in stock] OR download it to your preferred e-reader here.